i hacked the game for my 818s in l.a.
nothing would ever be the same again,
and i ‘threw it all away’.
‘cause there’s no self-respect or honor for getting played.
but how bro? overthinking had me not in a straight mental frame.
the only defect was in my infected brain,
i believed they had the sun to make the sky less mundane,
with one vow into tomorrow i lost my brothers’ place in their days.
you pull the sapling out the ground to help it grow;
it’s still clinging to its roots deep in the hole,
pretend you didn’t see anything; leave him on the side of the road.
hello???
no echo from the Lord, the last pure soul...
talent is supercharged, but their courage is zero:
slaving at someone else’s dream whilst chained to a once-free past.
brother!
can you hear me, or you hiding behind the podcast?
breathe, fucker!
breathe!
oh, you forgot how to do that for yourself?
or do you gotta cope with some self-help?
mfs don’t know better either.
we all eels with desires to acquire ‘brains-4-hire’.
when the ship sets course for hell, ourself dies within us.
let me tell you, it’s not too late to hop off the bus.
so let this 20-yr old fuck influx moments worth a deluxe.
2024: i’m unlearning how to be a ‘carlos’.
~
18/01/24.
where you from, homie?
not where i’m from:
strapped to my homework for my 5-wk class, calc 3.
but first, one chapter from my newly-bought Quran.
i had no battle to continue, so i turned to spirituality.
oh God, if only i’d knew i’d go from bane to a changed man.
chapter 10, part 11, ayat 103: was the epiphany:
protect those who believe! it is our duty.1
oh ho!... a meal for a hungry soul.
no more mental isolation, ah, so heavenly.
depression: you’re put on hold.
wait time is indefinitely.
so began my search for my place in the world,
with a battered hope for a better me,
and a tweet hyping myself up from the curb.
ya, is this when i fix me and this dipshit?
nah, you delusional... illusions look realistic.
https://x.com/CarlitosJarquin/status/1748223643174461912
~
19/04/24.
“my name is carlos jarquin.
and i’ll be leaving in two weeks.
i hated being carlos jarquin.
so i did something you would not believe.
no, not the coast guard academy...
it’s something that only people who know me.
oh shit, nobody does… eh, who gives a shit?”
i fucked around with some chemistry,
seeking an answer to where it was hiding.
respect said to follow it this way.
it claimed not to be lab-made nor fabricated.
the pursuit made me stand under bright lights on a stage.
i gave away what would happen to me in may.
many gave praise, a few disdained.
God, thank you, maybe, i won the game.
that’s a few points onto the family’s name.
but where you gain, you lose in some other place.
fuck it, i don’t care!
fake ass brothers left me stranded there.
never cared ‘bout what i was cookin’,
i folded ‘em like a lawn chair, been done it.
fuck a friend, i raised the money to produce flamin’ heat,
everything was concentrated on these fleeting moments.
to have something you never had,
do shit you never planned in advance.
sometimes you can do it whenever you gotta chance.
but the best time is when it’s on-demand.
i’m on my way to cambridge,
against all circumstances.
who’d believe this madness?
flying with 50lbs of luggage and an undisclosed amount of baggage.
out the ‘hood on my own!
my words four months ago are set in stone!
fuck the unknown, i made that ho glow from the hole alone!
God, am i finally worthy of something?
not yet, prodigy... you’re still swimming in a fantasy.
get dressed now, the train to ‘reality’ gets here in three.
you’ll be ok, trust in Me.
~
26/08/24.
task failed successfully.
got the fire and some branches, light a torch and search for me,
shine the beam and you’ll only see unseen tree debris,
my ears bleeding from listening to the machine on the screen:
it sounds terrific,
but i’m my biggest critic: i got flawed characteristics.
my brain’s be dilated with sweet sounds since 2019.
i was swept and kept into an ethereal dream.
dosing while overdosing on forbidden dopamine.
i was told that growth can never cease, or i’ll be obsolete,
cycle will never freeze; never free to breathe in peace.
reinforced by those near me and those digitally.
i worked hard and forgot to play intellectually.
the fuck they know ‘bout me? or what shit i’ve done and seen?
impact ain’t ‘bout being the shit in your kids’ ap history,
but gullible i was, could it be the destiny?
my problem is i gave up on myself,
to solve problems that someone else didn’t want to do themselves.
all that for a cheat code to the game of life?
fuck dying, but ngl i let it slide in my mind twice.
thc and liquor was the compromise,
for another try at unbelieving the lies i told myself in late july.
i went six-six-six when i hit the music;
animal instincts numbed in an instant.
fellows of mine surrounded me, but i couldn’t get to know them.
tough to make moments with them when i’m not living in the moment.
i’m questioning my mentality: ‘am i the godmother of all pussys?’
oh, the residency.
lucas & nick, thanks for freeing me from self-captivity.
couldn’t connect with humanity and they fixed the technicalities.
august six, liberation so sweet on my taste buds:
mental breakdown in a session, my apologies.
emotions stacking up, it looks like tetris.
now it came all down like jenga and the towers.
fuck everybody, but i got no foul intentions:
how can i help others when i be dealin’ with a corrupted carlos?
God, smart move.
life ain’t just about me and my shit in the hopes of ‘making it’.
can’t fake it: watch how low imma stoop ‘till my esteem go boof.
free me immediately, i can’t coexist in conflict!
God: do you endorse my self-divorce? i can no longer support.
well...you’ll be forced to reverse course to your damaged corpse.
~
14/10/24.
“tbh carlos, you’re a fuckn whimsical, idealistic dude.
i say it ‘cause if nobody says it, it will really suck to be you.
and i’m keepin’ it a hundred so you can hear the ugly ass truth.”
i couldn’t bear the weight of the pain one more day.
grew up too fast for some equity and mind-olympic games.
and this one guy i met over the ‘net throws me a rope.
he took a smoke and told me: “heyo, you’ll need this note”,
“sometimes you think you know what matters the most.
only until you test it against the force of the world...
will you know what deserves to capsize or remain onboard afloat.
sticks and stones break bones, yet these words should better hurt:
but those values you held were not even yours.
you took them for granted without giving them a second look.
everyone’s two cents is worth, at minimal, jackshit...
once you know it’s counterfeit to your personal fulfillment.
rn, ur a wikipedia page, an open book: free to edit without consent.“
fuck, the diagnosis was correct.
if you don’t got no constraints, there’s no self-respect.
guess going to thailand ain’t the best attempt to be content.
overthinking and ppl did me some foul mental vandalism.
you don’t need a car or racks to kick it back with your brothers.
i need some color in my life, pass me pink floyd’s prism.
binary thinking was the only thing prevalent.
it backfired brilliantly,
so i can evict the devil for not paying rent,
ma inner city repaired to live with this new me.
lack of being a human being made me a dispensable outlet.
now i stand before you all as carlos jarquin.
i’m unlearning all my previous fatalities.
and i forgive y’all when i was bizarre and you watched appalled.
with no pain or fall, one can never respawn as the default.
and i forgive myself for the problems i burdened on others.
i accept that nobody has all the answers.
and to acquire them, do some shit you give two shits ‘bout.
“and you’ll never live with another doubt... i promise.”
~
31/12/24.
“carlos, when did that lucifer git into your heart?
yo, i don’t know who in the flying fuck you are!
your spirit and character's been done and torn apart,
no pulse on the internet, socials, or cellular,
only on-sight, which in particular i find peculiar...
what happened to communicating with honor, ungrateful foreigner?”
psyche!
the white lights glowing bright on that sunday night,
i wore my mask, my command was to divide,
minds about who i am on the other side.
cap and hoodie mimic a towel on my head, that’s fine.
got a lotta ‘em thinkin’ i’m pakistani, indian, or arab.
imma beaner, brother: the chosen be loved by many in this era.
gimme the location, they won’t know what happened.
i don’t need protection... yo, not that kind of action!
time-blockers and reminder cards solve zero of my problems.
‘give her the wood’ is dr. bro-die’s prescription,
i’m not lonely anymore, but i need for me a new mission...
“slow down carlitos, or ‘chill pill rehab’ it is.
remember that week on the street you were accused of many things?
a tweaker asked if you sell grams n’ zips on the block,
the grown ass cholo who walked you down and thought you were his ops,
adolescents squaring up in front of the ross,
and that slavic lady who said: ‘ur father shoulda had a rubber on’.
in the bus or in the shitty slumps, a verbal punch never stops being so hella clutch.
everyone too worried about their shit to share some sentiment.
people judge books by its covers, not surprising, eh?”
what did i do wrong? i’m just a disciple of experience.
what world am i on? serendipity’s confusing me... it often happens.
campoverdi didn’t lie when she said i’m the sacrifice,
if i want my family alive when the tides reside.
working with the city is an intense commence;
no need to worry about me: suspend the suspense.
imma disappear from a chaotic relationship,
two different needs between my morales and altruistic shit.
i know i may not nudge the world,
but to light a spark in one,
that’s a deed that will be deemed of quality,
by their family, me, and God, most importantly.
be kind to mother earth, mr. gentleman;
i’m stepping on guests' turf, now remember that.
imma visitor, not a savior, that's trespassing plans.
keep your sight abrupt, everyone’s quick to switch it up,
you too young to give issues any pinch of love,
the real one will keep you tough, it gon’ build you buff.
so can i trust you’ll deliver on your promise?
i vow to read between the lies as i slide ‘to 2025!
the toughest nights of mine i provide not for you to sympathize,
but to remind me to merge with eyes that don’t see the world alike.
understand everybody needs a sign to survive them bumpy nights.
carlos, i’ve never seen such tenacity from you ‘til you got into cal maritime.
‘cause the train to the future is arriving on platform twenty.
i’m unlearning shit to commit that i’m ready to run the one w/ it.
i accept it, i ain’t perfect.
but without risk and grit...
no revelations & changes gon’ be occurring to me.
can’t lose or choose for once in an eternity,
it’s my opportunity to spit ‘dis graffiti on your screen:
you can negate a man from the game,
but you can’t melt no ice outta ma veins.
fuck what you say,
imma ‘freddie it away’ from home plate a-gain.
this time, imma paint my days my way.
no mo’ strangers finna rearrange my brain, it ain’t playdoh clay.
i’ll be okay today, now shut up cj; lemme pray.
Allah, at the last second.
the mind is distilled.2
reincarnated!
cj
all of it.
18/01/24.
19/04/24.
26/08/24.
14/10/24.
31/12/24.
music.
full ayat in arabic and english is:
"then we will save our messengers and those who have believed. thus, it is an obligation upon us that we save the believers.”
﴿ثُمَّ نُنَجِّي رُسُلَنَا وَالَّذِينَ آمَنُوا ۚ كَذَٰلِكَ حَقًّا عَلَيْنَا نُنجِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ﴾
source: https://surahquran.com/english-aya-103-sora-10.html
decided to make the yearly review a ‘poem’ of my unlearnings and revelations. (and a drop of kdot as the special sauce.)
see u in three months-ish. take care, luv.